Sometimes we mask our emotional wounds so well, we become them

We can and we should accept our painful stories into our lives, without becoming these stories entirely.

Sofia
8 min readNov 5, 2020
Original picture retrieved from: Pinterest | Portrayal made by: Sofia

We need to learn that allowing ourselves to feel bad, even when it’s hard, it’s actually a good thing.

Because truth is even when positive emotions are more pleasant, there are far greater gifts on the other side of the emotional spectrum.

It’s in our human nature to deny our so called negative feelings and emotions, for this notion that they can sometimes feel threatening. And they certainly can. Our brain is wired to self-protect from anything that seems threatening. So when we are experiencing uncomfortable or unsettling emotional states, the survival function of our human brain will most likely make us run the other way, in order to keep us “safe”.

Most of us were not taught that feeling our feelings + running towards them, is actually more beneficial long term, than if we are constantly trying to bottle them up or run away from them. Little does our brain know, this “survival mode” in reality, is causing more harm by setting our emotional wellness to more prolonged periods of suffering — than we would to suffer if we just allowed ourselves to sit with our emotions whenever they arise.

More often than not coping with emotions and feelings are things we just can’t crack the code to, so we rather pretend they don’t exist — and that dealing with them is not our responsibility. By doing this we are somewhat living in a state of denial. Because for some reason ignoring the work that is required to ‘heal our emotions’ seems less tiring than doing the work. Let me disappoint you, because it is not.

Rachel O’Neill, Ph.D., clinical counselor and Talkspace therapist, says that short-term consequences of ignoring our feelings and emotions can manifest in feelings of isolation, anxiety, and sadness. While long-term consequences can include the feeling that we never worked through our experiences + we may end up feeling perpetually “stuck”.

I wish more people realized that both, evolving or staying stuck requires the same amount of discomfort. Maybe that way they would stop choosing the latter. Choosing the discomfort of the ‘known’ of remaining stuck and ignoring the work that needs to be done, feels easier to some extent; but the discomfort of the ‘unknown’ of doing the work and healing will allow us to step into our most authentic selves.

If we have had unbearable or traumatizing experiences, we’ll consciously or unconsciously do everything in our power to push the memories, feelings or emotions aside. We “force” our emotions to go away when we sink hours and hours every day into our screens doing absolutely nothing on social media just to keep ourselves distracted. When we booze or abuse any type of substance to gain temporary relief. When we find ourselves in a journey of hours on end of unconscious video gaming. When we start pretending we are at our best when we are so not.

When we either party excessively or completely withdraw from social situations. When we become shopaholics for temporary gratification. When we take part in bullying behaviors because we don’t feel good about ourselves, and making someone else feel bad, makes us feel better somehow. When we self-harm because we feel like it gives us control over emotional pain. When we find ourselves falling in a cycle of rebound relationships or what is worse; going back to someone we know we don’t belong with, because we can’t manage sitting alone with ourselves. When we tell ourselves other stories about whatever it is that happened -that is only causing distorted thinking.

Suppressing and repressing are defense mechanisms. And they can take many forms. According to an article in Verywell Mind, Suppression occurs when a person purposely tries to force not feeling out of awareness. And repression involves the unwanted impulses or thoughts being unconsciously pushed out of awareness.

For some people these can be great ways to boost their ego… while completely shattering their emotional wellness.

Why do we do this?

Sometimes our pain comes from such a dark place, we don’t want to say it out loud, or even admit it’s true to ourselves. So we tell people other stories — The saddest part about this, is that we do it to ourselves too. In the story telling we come to mask our traumas and wounds so well, we become them.

This world we live in, that praises perfection, has directly or indirectly sent us a clear message that we need to hide ourselves. Put on the happy face and smile. So we do. We don’t go deep; we keep conversations surface level, because we refuse to be seen as weak and broken.

So we tell people other stories for the sake of acceptance. We don’t talk about the things we’ve endured; we don’t talk about our pain, our struggles, our fears, our sadness, our insecurities, our anxieties, or our experiences. Let alone talking about our traumas.

We don’t put ourselves out there without masking our scars first. — especially in those that bring so much shame. For the simple reason that we know that exposing our true selves could mean loss of love and/or be the recipe for rejection. And we can’t bare any of that.

But when we do this, rather than shielding the pain, we are keeping ourselves stuck. Because when we’ve been living with these heavy things for long periods of time alone — those things become our normal. And in the due course we become our fears, our sadness, our grief, our pain, our resentment, and/or our anger.

In order to set ourselves free from the dark, we need to set these experiences free -by finding the strength to expose them to the light. If we don’t let these experiences out, these experiences will hold power over us as long as we let them. And they will keep manifesting in our lives until we are brave enough to allow ourselves to completely go through them.

So here are the news —pain will be waiting no matter what you do, no matter where you run. No matter where you hide.

“I run away from pain in seek of happiness, but the more I run, the more pain came running after me.” -Preeta Sarkhel

Closing yourself off from pain, will definitely keep you from feeling it but it will also stop you from healing it. Read that again.

If there’s something I have learned in my healing journey is that running away from our pain and our problems is a race we’ll never win.

So now that you know this, you might want to stop running from it now and turn around and let it get to you. Because sooner or later, it will get you. Whatever that means for you, it will eventually get to you.

Whatever happened to you. It wasn’t your fault. Whatever it is that life put you through or whatever it is that someone did to you, it was never about you.

However, you are the one carrying the pain isn’t it? So you need to find the strength to heal it. Start looking inwards. Stop making your healing dependent on an apology that might never come. Your healing is about you. Resenting them will do nothing to them, but it will to you.

Heal what’s hurting, and realize that this is not who you are. You are not the pain someone else infracted on you.

One day you’ll realize that you were always far more than your wounds, and than the people who wronged you.

This pain, whether big or small — you don’t have to carry on with it for the rest of your life. And as hard as it is to believe, there has to be a reason for it. But that reason is not about you becoming it. It is not about you becoming your pain.

Feel it.

Cry about it.

Read about it.

Open up to someone about it.

Find your safe place to be sad.

Rip the pictures into pieces if you need to.

Write a letter and never send it. Burn it if you most.

But find the one thing that will free you from it.

People may not be able to heal your pain completely, but sharing it sure aids in knowing that you don’t have to face your pain alone. Whether that starts with a friend, a sibling, a family member or your therapist.

And who knows maybe if you share it, you may even find that you’re not alone in your story. That other people have been there too. Sharing your pain could help someone else, and their pain could do the same for you. And maybe that was the gift all along.

The first step to heal, is to feel, the second is to acknowledge your pain, and the third one is to share it. So accept it. Talk about it, scream, write it down, vent about it. But set it free. Once you expose it, it will no longer have power over you.

Saying it out loud may be hard. But living forever in darkness will be harder.

Last but not least realize that you CAN accept your painful stories into your life and you should, without becoming these stories entirely.

My healing journey has also taught me that nothing truly goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. –So let it come. Let it hurt. Let it teach you what it’s here to teach you. And then let it go.

“What if I told you the world wouldn’t end, if you started showing what’s under your skin?” — Kelsea Ballerini

Masking your pain will only do so much. And running away from it will only take you so far.

It’s time to let the mask down, you don’t need to keep pretending.

You are deserving of being loved, seen and accepted completely as you are; by you and by others. Wounds and everything.

TODAY SAY:

  1. I listen to my feelings and I know that my feelings are my friends.
  2. I see every emotion as guidance to my healing.
  3. In my sadness I create space to heal myself.
  4. What I went through does not define who I am.
  5. I forgive myself for holding a grudge for anyone who has wronged me and I free myself from their actions.

| Interested in Portrayals of the Wild Feminine www.highsheflies.com 🐆 ✨|

Claps are greatly appreciated. xx

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Sofia

“the beauty of who you, is how you wear who you are ” | Podcast: @por.crecer on instagram | podcast: Por Crecer on Spotify & apple podcasts